Broken Vows de Lady Gregory

Hace más o menos 3 años puse un poema que para mi percepción es excepcional. Habla del desamor, del amor, de las promesas rotas y desilusiones. Es un poema un poco triste, pero con mucha sabiduría y poética y palabras medidas a la perfección. El equilibrio de lo malo con lo bueno, de un poema triste con la belleza de presentarlo.
Uno va quemando etapas de a poco, y estoy a punto de quemar una de las etapas más importantes de la vida: la Universidad. Sí, me queda poco (más bien nada). Hay cosas que todavía me faltan por vivir y es por eso que me llama la  atención, por esos sentimientos que se van quedando en el aire y no se completan. Como las millones de veces que nos ha gustado alguien y queda todo inconcluso, todo queda en el aire y muchas cosas sin decir. Lady Gregory me da un poco la fuerza para poder expresar lo que muchas veces he sentido en cuando a "unfinished bussiness" o aquellas cosas que quedan al aire.

It is late last night the dog was speaking of you;
the snipe was speaking of you in her deep marsh.
It is you are the lonely bird through the woods;
and that you may be without a mate until you find me.

You promised me, and you said a lie to me,
that you would be before me where the sheep are flocked;
I gave a whistle and three hundred cries to you,
and I found nothing there but a bleating lamb.

You promised me a thing that was hard for you,
a ship of gold under a silver mast;
twelve towns with a market in all of them,
and a fine white court by the side of the sea.

You promised me a thing that is not possible,
that you would give me gloves of the skin of a fish;
that you would give me shoes of the skin of a bird;
and a suit of the dearest silk in Ireland.

When I go by myself to the Well of Loneliness,
I sit down and I go through my trouble;
when I see the world and do not see my boy,
he that has an amber shade in his hair.

It was on that Sunday I gave my love to you;
the Sunday that is last before Easter Sunday.
And myself on my knees reading the Passion;
and my two eyes giving love to you for ever.

My mother said to me not to be talking with you today,
or tomorrow, or on the Sunday;
it was a bad time she took for telling me that;
it was shutting the door after the house was robbed.

My heart is as black as the blackness of the sloe,
or as the black coal that is on the smith's forge;
or as the sole of a shoe left in white halls;
it was you that put that darkness over my life.

You have taken the east from me; you have taken the west from me;
you have taken what is before me and what is behind me;
you have taken the moon, you have taken the sun from me;
and my fear is great that you have taken God from me!

Summer 2009 - Part 4

Vacation time it's a synonym for relaxation, right? Well, what happens if my vacation turns out to be the opposite?
One might say that you can have other ways to relax, but happens if my other way to relax is related with internet - there's no internet connection in the place I'll be staying?
Pucón, the place you can see below this post, is a great city, full of entertainment, but what happens if I don't have fun at all???? I know I might be putting myself before things actually happen, but I guess I always put myself in this position and evaluate all my posibilities before doing something. Ok, I chose going to Pucon, but it was gonna be even worse to stay in Stgo, believe me.
So, what's left for me?

No internet connection--> My other salvation
No friends-->I have my bro with me, does it count?
No freedom at all--> Summer 2009 - Part 2 to understand.

I guess without the last 2 things I could never have a perfect vacation, not in Santiago, nor Pucón, nor anyplace in the world!!!!

Summer 2009 - Part 2

Ok, this is part 2. This is the part where I express my feelings about my summer vacation with my dad. 4 days have been since my vacation started and I can't stop expressing the fact that I feel the same I felt 2 years ago, this same date, but on a different place. I feel trapped and with no escape at all. I know it's sad to say this, but it's just that my ideal vacation is far from being my dad's ideal vacation. He's the type of person who likes to stay in one place the whole time and feels reluctant when having to share some time with other people that he even might know. He likes to "know" me and my bro.
I feel so bad writing this while he's next door, but I guess I have to express my feelings some way.
Coming on a vacation with my dad after I've grown up makes me realize that it's no use for me to keep coming and sharing the supossed "2-weeks-of-sharing-a-lovely-time-together (my dad, my bro and me)" while these aren't vacation to me. For one thing the-sharing-all-the-time-we-can-together it's not what I like. I'm like a bird, I'm independent and I like to have a time to do whatever I like to do, without thinking on somebody else or if somebody would like it or not. I like to have my own freedom, and not having to spend 24/7 with my family. I love them, but it's just that sometimes I feel suffocated by this concept of vacation.
On the other hand, the place we chose this year is great. I really like it here, but since he's the kind of guy that spends the 90% of the time in the hut or nearby. He doesn't like coming downtown or going to the beach, which I think is the opposite of me.
I really think he's having trouble acknowledging I'm 21 and that my bro's 24. We're old enough to decide whether we like something or not, and in my case, I think I might not go to any other vacation in the near future with my dad. I've had it up here!

Lots of feelings

I guess some feelings come and go like all of the time, but after a year of being under psychological treatment some things haven't changed really. I've been having the same feelings for a long time: guiltiness, pressure, that I have to please everyone, etc. I thought somehow I had changed, that I really had realized about my age and of the fact that I can make my decisions on my own and that I shouldn't please everyone around me. In last session my shrink made me realize that I'm 21, and at 21 you can make decisions on my own, and that I have the right to decide what to do and what not to do.
There are certainly many things we discuss but because I decide it, I won't say anything else, but the fact that I think I haven't learnt to manage my feelings yet.

A recommendation for complicated situations and feelings: The Holiday. This movie summaries many of the things that have been in my head lately.
I'm sorry and I know this looks like stream of consciousness but there are lots of things going on in my head! I guess this is part of thinking, right?

Serena and Blair??? Am I Blair??

A few weeks ago I wrote about how I felt on Fridays and Saturdays and part of that feeling is going away and I'm startin' to feel much better.
But some other feelings are comin' out to light. I'm starting to feel like Blair in GG does: I 'm starting to feel left behind by a Serena. A Serena that has become friends with my mom and that they even go to restaurants and pubs together, while my mom doesn't even take me or my brother to those places. I feel my mom has found a new daughter, a better one, a daughter that works woth er, spends time with her, understands her, etc. And I know my mom only wants to help her, but what about helping me? I need money too. She has found a friend-daughter, and sincereley I'm far away for being like that. I feel left behind for only I have tons of things to study while Serena has few courses this term. I'm afraid my mom likes better her new daughter and forgets about me. I really understand now how does Blair feel about Serena. Serena is a rising star while Blair has to be backstage and watch how the things happen.
I know I have to talk to my mom, but I don't want to make such a fuss about this. My mom will think I'm making a scene, a jealous scene and we'll fight and nver understand each other. That's why I don't think talking to her is such a good idea. We'll never reach a common point. We'll always fight, and this is another one. I feel nothing's gonna change if I tell her how I feel. Besides, we never have the time, I feel she never has the time to listen to me, to SEE me. She only has time for my granpa, her friends, Serena, her work, but not me.

I need my shrink

I really need my shrink. I thought all was settled in my mind and life since last february, but the feelings aren't going away. I haven't been able to manage it. I feel I'm a loser, cuz I can't handle things right. I hate the feeling inside, I want to be normal. I don't want any strings, I don't want to be the only one responsible for the many things of my own house. I'm not the only one who lives here! I want my freedom, I want to do what I want to do. I hate this complicated situation, I hate complicated situations in general. I want to be responsible for the things I want to do and I have to do, not fot others' things. At this point I can see only a solution, but it's not even possible. There are other priorities in my life. Suffering like this I hope will only make me happy in the future. I'm unhappy, I want so many things to change. I feel I'll collapse one of these days, I feel I'm going mad. I feel no one is really taking in consideration my feelings when they make decisions, especially when they involve me. I feel and want sooo many things that I cry.

sleep

I'm so tired I wanna sleep.
I'm so tired I don't even wanna go to bed.
I'm so tired I don't even have the strength to go to bed.
I'm so tired I want my holydays right now.
I'm so tired I never thought to be tired by now.
I'm so tired....... I 'm so tired.......
I'm so tired I gotta take care of my life.
I'm so tired I gotta take control of my life

more revealed truths

Yesterday I talked to my good friend E and she revealed some truths to me, which I can't really tell, because they're her secrets and she trusts me so much and I don't wanna lose her as a frien, even though she lives far away from here. This all revelation and what leads me to the real topic is that I don't know why we never really talked when she was here with me and when we could touch each other. Now I have to be pleased by talking on skype, but that really doesn't makes me happy. I guess I regret not TALKING to her. She's a good friend and I really don't wanna miss her. I hope distance is not the meaning of disaster when talking about friendship. God! I miss the whole group (M, A, Ad, T, Th, E,etc.) I guess lunch on tuesdays is never gonna be the same.

Cheers to u, my dearest gringo friends.

beginning of a semester

Some things have happened in the past few weeks. One of them is that I bumped into this guy I liked before my winter break started and I thought I had gotten over him, but no, I haven't. So, right now I'm in the middle of nowhere in terms of love. I'm really not sure what to do, so any piece of advice would be great.
Another thing is that I was checking someone's blog account and I just realized I'm not the only one that finds hard to express their feelings. I'm really trying hard to be more open when talking or expressing my own feelings. It is very hard. So, sometimes I'm with this huge smile on my face but inside I'm really bad.
The last thing is that I just made it up with an old friend I used to have and that we had a fight, and after almost 3 years, we started talking again and we may be meeting each other some day soon. I really hope this could work. I really miss him and have missed him.

I'll try to get u updated more frequently of the things I've been doing and thinking, but it's hard because of school. Damn u school! lol

My best to everyone,

Fran

Sun. 07/27/08

Is it me or the day turned from being a great day to an awful and disgusting one?
Why do people change so easily, act so different and just become so reluctant to show what they feel? or why do people address you in a rough way?
I simply cannot understand.
I really thought this day was going to be a good one and it turned to be the opposite.
What's wrong with people? What's wrong with the people that are close to me?
I simply cannot understand

Queene Mab

What should I do?

Lately, I don't really know what to do with this feeling. Am I supposed to wait until I see him again to find out if I have to still like him or not, because I can handle this feeling in the right way, just as the many times I've handled it. The same old story: I like someone and he doesn't like me back. So, what do I do? I forget him, easier than many people. But this time is different, because I don't know him very well and he doesn't know me very well too. So, should I wait 1 month until I know what can happen in the future or should I just forget him like right now.
The truth is that right now, I really like him, but I don't know what to do.
Please somebody tell me something!!!!
Anyone?

Now....

Right now, I feel I want someone holding my hand... caring about me... I feel I wanna hug someone and to be hugged in return. I want u to hug me, I want u holding my hand, I want u going with me to mass every sunday, not the one time we went together. I want to feel loved and cared. I want u to call me everyday the whole day just to know what I'm doing. I want to feel loved and cared. I don't wanna be alone anymore, I've waited too long, how much do I have to wait? Please, God, tell me that. What will be the answer to my question? "God only knows". The same F* answer I'm getting tired of. As I said before: I wanna feel loved and cared by someone, specially u.

Queene Mab