Why the fuck do i go to U???

Hoy estaba sentada en el pasto de Humanidades, como a las 12:30, y el sol picaba muuuy fuerte, y me dediqué a pensar un rato. Al parecer no tengo ni tiempo para eso. Me dediqué a pensar en este semestre, en quién soy, qué es lo que hago. Mi primer pensamiento fue el darme cuenta lo sola que me siento. Valentinisima esta pasándolo shansho en los Estados Juntos, Natalia trabaja como ella, yo, heme allí sentada almorzando sola, esperando a los que pareciera son la única compañía que tengo: los gringos. Los almuerzos, debo decirlo, son fomes, y al parecer sólo me siento con ellos para no sentirme tan sola. Son fomes porque lo único que escucho son viajes, viajes, viajes. Me da tanta pena también que no se hagan amigos chilenos. Son divertidos, lo son, lo paso bien con algunos, con los más cercanos, pero me pareciera que no quieren hacer tantos bonds, en lo cual nos diferenciamos. Yo me siento sola en la U y ellos pareciera que no me ayudan. Es por eso que me preguntaba quién soy, qué hago en la U todos los días. Cuál es el sentido de ir todos los días cuando no va a haber nadie que me haga reír como Valentinisima o Naty. Echo mucho de menos reírme de tonteras, hacer tonteras, I miss my backups, a.k.a Nat and Vale, I miss my accomplices. It's not easy. Ya me había acostumbrado a tener algunas clases sin ellas, pero no tener ninguna! Creo que no se lo doy a nadie. Ya pareciera que la única amiga gringa que tengo no tiene el tiempo que necesito para mí. Oh, Gosh! I miss the last term gringos.

Serena and Blair??? Am I Blair??

A few weeks ago I wrote about how I felt on Fridays and Saturdays and part of that feeling is going away and I'm startin' to feel much better.
But some other feelings are comin' out to light. I'm starting to feel like Blair in GG does: I 'm starting to feel left behind by a Serena. A Serena that has become friends with my mom and that they even go to restaurants and pubs together, while my mom doesn't even take me or my brother to those places. I feel my mom has found a new daughter, a better one, a daughter that works woth er, spends time with her, understands her, etc. And I know my mom only wants to help her, but what about helping me? I need money too. She has found a friend-daughter, and sincereley I'm far away for being like that. I feel left behind for only I have tons of things to study while Serena has few courses this term. I'm afraid my mom likes better her new daughter and forgets about me. I really understand now how does Blair feel about Serena. Serena is a rising star while Blair has to be backstage and watch how the things happen.
I know I have to talk to my mom, but I don't want to make such a fuss about this. My mom will think I'm making a scene, a jealous scene and we'll fight and nver understand each other. That's why I don't think talking to her is such a good idea. We'll never reach a common point. We'll always fight, and this is another one. I feel nothing's gonna change if I tell her how I feel. Besides, we never have the time, I feel she never has the time to listen to me, to SEE me. She only has time for my granpa, her friends, Serena, her work, but not me.

BDAY

A few days ago an event occurred: my birthday.
I must say that I was very surprised by the amount of people who remembered it. To all of them: Thanx!!!!!!!
Every year, at least since I entered Uni, I think: this bday will be different, and all my classmates are going to say "Happy Bday", but that doesn't really occur. People from other classes remember it and wish u the best, but some of the nearest don't. I must thank everybody, but especially my nearest friends, my best friends, who made that day unforgettable.
I'm 21 now and each year I turn another year it's more special. That's why I love the people who surround me, because they make MY DAY special.

I need my shrink

I really need my shrink. I thought all was settled in my mind and life since last february, but the feelings aren't going away. I haven't been able to manage it. I feel I'm a loser, cuz I can't handle things right. I hate the feeling inside, I want to be normal. I don't want any strings, I don't want to be the only one responsible for the many things of my own house. I'm not the only one who lives here! I want my freedom, I want to do what I want to do. I hate this complicated situation, I hate complicated situations in general. I want to be responsible for the things I want to do and I have to do, not fot others' things. At this point I can see only a solution, but it's not even possible. There are other priorities in my life. Suffering like this I hope will only make me happy in the future. I'm unhappy, I want so many things to change. I feel I'll collapse one of these days, I feel I'm going mad. I feel no one is really taking in consideration my feelings when they make decisions, especially when they involve me. I feel and want sooo many things that I cry.

U may be surrounded by thousands of people sometimes, but u still feel lonely....